Let’s go for a hike, or a bike ride. I’ll make you a crown of daisies, or clover. We’ll laugh in the sunlight and whisper in the shade. We’ll run down to the creek and splash in the water, and get mud and grass stains on our jeans. We’ll watch the deer and chase butterflies. Then we’ll sprawl on the couch and watch a movie we’ve seen fifty times, and sing along and drink coffee or tea until we fall asleep talking, like we used to.

Just want to let you know again how proud I am of you, and not just for asserting yourself with Joe recently, but for everything that you’ve been facing the past couple of years, and all of the growing I’ve watched you do. You seem to be coming more into yourself all the time, and its wonderful to watch.

I can’t wait to see this beautiful happy face again soon, hopefully even happier than the last time. In case nobody has ever told you, I may as well let you know that you’re inspiring. You’ve come so far and healed so much in such a short amount of time that it absolutely astounds me. 

I learned about something in the Greek language recently. Its something that we don’t have a word for in English. The Greeks call it Kefi. It roughly translates to “spirit,” but its so much more than that. Its the glow within a person when they’re in their element, doing something that truly makes them shine, but it is also the eternal spirit of hope and joy for life and excitement for the future as well as the present moment that resounds in whatever that person happens to be doing. Its a feeling, and its an emotion, and its a visible substance. You can both experience Kefi and have Kefi. The moments that stand out in our memory,not necessarily as remarkable, but those which stand out for no particular reason but that they evoke beauty and nostalgia are full of it as well. Recently, when I look at you, I’m able to see that you’ve got more Kefi, more spirit and drive and joy and exuberance for life and all it has to offer, than you’ve shown in a long, long time. I’m so glad to see that.

Have a happy Saturday, or whatever day it may be. 2 more weeks and you can enjoy your summer! <3

He and I are probably breaking up. It’s been so long in coming that I don’t know how it took me by surprise, but it did.

I love him so much, but not in a way where I can stay with him forever, which is what he wants. I need to build myself, to be myself, and when I’m with somebody, I tend to change myself to be what they want, because I never had a solid impression of me. I want to build myself from the inside out, and I don’t think I can do that while I’m in a relationship.

I want to belong to myself.

We were talking, and one word led to the next, and the next thing I know, I’m tearfully telling him I might need out, I might have to take a break. I told him I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s best, but that’s a lie. He can’t grow up with me mothering him, and I can’t seem to stop making it my job to fix him. He won’t take responsibility for his happiness, and I let him put it all on me. I can’t do that. It’s eating me up inside. I didn’t tell him half of what’s wrong between us, because I couldn’t handle the thought of seeing him hurt that much. I made it my fault, like I always do. I told him I don’t know which would be best for both of us, for me to stay and try to work things out, or to take a break, or go. I told him I was torn, and I kind of am, but not really. I don’t want to be with him right now, I just don’t want to tell him so because I’m afraid of hurting him. I’m afraid he’ll start drinking again, afraid he’ll screw up in school because he’s hurt and angry, and I’m afraid of feeling responsible for that, even though I know it’s not my choice what he does or how he handles it.

He’s being as kind and supportive as he can. I can tell he’s hurt, he’s upset, and I don’t blame him. He’s telling me to just make up my mind about what I need, and tell him, and he’ll do it.

We’re going to talk more this weekend.

I’m such a mess.

Just missing you, and leaving some love on your dashboard. <3